She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
