Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
