I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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