My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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