in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
