i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
