I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
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