Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize