Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
