I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
