so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
