I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
