I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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