Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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