Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
