I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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