i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
