I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
