Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
