i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
