the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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