areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
