I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
