my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just had sex on a roof
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
