How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
