sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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