I want to have your abortion
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
