Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
