We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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