Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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