I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
