He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
