Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
