she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
