My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize