So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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