where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
