im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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