She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
