$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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