I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
