I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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