The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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