The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
