Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
