My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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