I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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