She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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