I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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