before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
