The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
