Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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