Say something about gay babies.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
