I heard we made out
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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