her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
