This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
