i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
PANTIES FOUND
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